Yet one more

Okay folks, I know I seem to blog about things that happen when I’m driving, but honestly, I drive a lot, therefore quite a few of my life’s experiences happen while driving.  So I feel compelled to share them with you.  Take them as funny anecdotes or serious foreboding warnings, either way, enjoy. 

The most recent I can only blame on me.  Well of course I’d like to blame it on something else, but alas, what happened afterward is solely on me.

I was driving (which is a given in this particular blog) along a long and slowly winding two lane road.  The sun had set but it was still light enough to see, although the shadows were creeping ever so slowly across the roadway and the evening haze had set in making everything moody and blurred.  I was admiring the autumn colors of the trees along the edge of the road and off into the distant on the hillsides.  I pondered the lack of bright reds and the abundance of vibrant yellows and wondered what trees had which colors.  I ponder a lot when I am driving. Some of it deep and philosophical like the meaning of my life, some of it mundane like grocery lists or errands to run, sometimes it’s story lines and characters (which can and has led to other events that have taken place while driving when I tried to write down notes and drive at the same time – hence the purchase of my handy dandy voice recorder – which on a side note, I can’t find.  Where is my OCD when I need it?)  and some of my ponderings are neither deep nor mundane, but just my mind spinning and spinning and landing on various things, such as the color of the leaves. 

So there I was, bee-bopping along to my Alex Clare CD (thank you, sis!!) singing to the top of my lungs, musing about the trees when all of the sudden I saw something move across the road.  I slowed down, dropping my speed and waited to see what it was.  I scanned along the side of the road looking for a furry face or shine back of eyes, nothing.  Then something skittered across the road again!  I slowed even more.  Thank goodness I was alone on this road or whoever was behind me would have been slowly getting annoyed by now.  Although it was dusk and it was getting harder to see in the hazy evening light, I knew that something was definitely moving across the road.  I am sure by now you have used your excellent powers of deduction and know what is moving on the road, but sadly, it hadn’t occurred to me by this point as I was driving.  It would take a few more moments before I would come to realize what it was.

I slowed even more because these creatures kept skittering across the road, over and over again.  Was it a massive migration of frogs?  Was a tiny flock of miniature birds hopping across the road?  Then nothing.  All movement stopped.  I crept forward a little more and when nothing moved I sped back up to the normal 55 miles per hour.  As I came closer to the area where the creatures had made their voyage across the road I lifted my foot off the gas, just in case, and glanced from side to side looking for any movement.  Then suddenly in front of my car, mere feet ahead of me, something flipped up and flew at my windshield.  I screamed and slammed on my brakes.  Once again, thank goodness that no one was behind me, or this tale would end quite differently. 

 

When I pried my eyes open, relaxed my shoulders and the white knuckle death grip on the steering wheel (all in a span of about 2 seconds) I realized that nothing had shattered my windshield and I had not ran into anything, I then saw what had jumped up and attacked my car. 

A leaf.

Yes, my fine readers, I was attacked by a leaf.  A yellow one to be exact. And the tiny fluttering creatures across the road?  Leaves.  Leaves being blown by the breeze.  Of course it was leaves! There was no migration of frogs or skittering birds.  Why would I even think that? 

Now you can’t hear the cynicism in my voice or the sarcasm as I write this, but know that it is dripping from every typed word.  I, yes, I, M.L., screamed and was scared by a leaf.  A jumping leaf, mind you, but a leaf nonetheless.

So that is why I said that I am the only one to blame in this tale.  I blame myself for having too active of an imagination to think that l-e-a-v-e-s where anything but.  I blame myself for not paying enough attention to the road because I am paying too much attention to the l-e-a-v-e-s still in the trees. 

Of course some of you, and you know who you are, will say that there is a simple solution to all of this.  Glasses.

Watch out for jumping leaves, (and don’t drive behind me at dusk)

M.L.

Seriously? Who does that?

Today whilst driving to work I was in front of a tan van that was speeding up and slowing down and speeding up and slowing down.  When she, yes, it was a female, was speeding up, she would ride my bumper so close I could see the bugs screaming as they held on to her grill for dear life and then she would drop back ten car lengths instantly becoming a tan blur in my rearview.  I have to say, it’s very unnerving, especially through a construction zone, where the sides are line with large orange barrels, flashing lights and metal signs that say “shoulder drop off”.  And let me also say, it isn’t a slight, sloping drop off, oh no, it’s a 4 foot drop off in some places where they (the construction folks) have shaved the road down to its sub crust and you can feel the heat of the molten lava flowing underground. Needless to say, it’s a tight squeeze through there. I feel like a watermelon going through a hose pipe.

 

Well, I noticed when my fellow female driver would drop back, she would skirt the barrels, precariously skirt them.  Then, all of a sudden, BAM she hit one sending it flying off into the blue, and then BAM she hit another one that went sailing as well.  Then she swerved ridiculously into the middle of the two lanes causing the car next to her swerve dangerously into the barrels on the other side, until she righted herself back into her (our) lane. 

Did she stop? No.  Did she wave an apology to anyone? No.  Did she change lanes into the slow lane? No. Instead, and this is a jaw dropper, she did it AGAIN!  BAM, BAM! Knocking orange barrels into the wild blue yonder.  Over and over again. Pieces of her car were flying off; I even saw the lens of her head lamp come off at one point, and she didn’t stop!  Who doesn’t stop for that?  Seriously?  Because I know that all the pieces of my car are on my car for a reason.  The Chevrolet manufacturer thought it best to put these parts and pieces on my vehicle and they were on my car when I bought it, so I assume that they are supposed remain on my car and not knocked off at any point in time and if so, I should probably be concerned about it.

Now, my beloved readers, I didn’t know if she had an exceptionally high hatred for orange barrels and was on a mission to wage war with them (while singing to herself the Heywood Banks, ‘Orange Barrel’ song), or if the orange barrels were covertly slipping out in front of her tan van, which is doubtful as they appeared to be minding their own business as I drove by, but it was very clear that if you were behind her or somewhere in the construction area, your life was in danger of being taken out by a large, plastic, orange and white missile filled with sand.   

I sped up as best I could to get away from this maniac, barrel hater only for her to fly past me in the other lane once we got clear of the construction area.  As she passed I gaped at her trying to see if perhaps she was having an epileptic fit, or going into a diabetic coma, but no, there was no medical explanation.  Instead, what did I find her doing?  She was eating breakfast.  Seriously?

I have never been as humiliated as a fellow female driver as I was at that moment. 

But my main questions are as follows:

1.      How into her food was she that she could not eat and drive at the same time?  Was she making her breakfast as she was driving?  Was there a hot plate plugged into the cigarette lighter? Was her Mickey D’s sausage biscuit so awesome that she couldn’t focus on driving the almost 2 tons of metal down the road at 60 miles an hour? (FYI-I Googled it.  A minivan weighs approximately 3,955 pounds.)

2.      How did she not hear that she was slamming repeatedly into large, vibrantly colored barrels?  How could she not SEE the barrels?

3.      How did she not notice that PIECES OF HER CAR WERE FLYING OFF?

Dear readers, if you find yourself corralled in a hose pipe whilst driving a watermelon and you notice a 2 ton tan B-52 behind you shooting orange and white plastic missiles, might I suggest getting off at the next exit. 

Drive safe and for the love of all that is Holy, stop cooking breakfast as you are driving,

M.L.

P.S.  Clearly I spend too much time on the interstate. J

Spookie Ookie Time

Yep, that’s right kiddies, its Halloween time.  Woot Woot!  My most favorite holiday.  Not that I do not love, love, love Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter, even Independence Day is awesome.  But as far as random holidays where I get candy, go to parties and get to dress up as something that I am not (like a doctor, scarecrow, cat, gypsy, Grim Reaper, dog, Mother Earth, etc.) it’s the greatest holiday, ever. 

I know all the history (real and supposed) behind Halloween, All Hallows Eve.  The day before All Hallows Day (Day of the Saints) or the pagan day of Samhain.  But here in the good ole’ U.S. of A. for most of us it is just a day with no spiritual/religious/significant meaning behind it and a day for us to gorge on candy, dress up as ghouls, ghosties, or princesses and an excuse to watch endless horror movies (Not that I have to have a reason to watch endless horror movies) and scare little kids and/or ourselves. 

My Godson, at the ripe ole’ age of 11, went to his first haunted woods last weekend, and he chose me to be the one to go with him. (An honor I did not take lightly.)  He ROCKED IT OUT! I am so proud.  He walked tall through the woods in the dark with the strobe lights and the creepy noises.  He only flinched a few times when someone jumped out for a scare and was polite to the monsters by saying “excuse me” when they were up in his face.  He continuously assured me that he was “okay” as we made our way down the unlighted, twisting paths.  How bad is this that I had to beg him to hold my hand a few times? HA! What a great kid. Love that lil’ dude. He has come into the fold with the rest of us insane people who like to be scared.  Not scared with real things like illness, financial troubles, death of loved ones, etc. but being scared for no reason, senseless scaring.  The kind of scare that you can laugh about later, those are the best scares. 

As you can tell, I love Halloween.  It’s the kick off to the holiday season.  The second October 1^st hits it’s a downhill slide straight to Christmas and New Years, and what a fun slide it is.  Feasting, parties, time with family and friends. The fun, crazy, scary, hoopla holiday where nothing matters and everything goes (as far as costumes and eating of many (way too many) candies – mostly candy corn and M&Ms for me).  The holiday before the real ones, the ones that have meaning behind them, like Thanksgiving, where we give thanks for all the blessings we have and Christmas where we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, or New Years where we celebrate another year of life and wish for a greater year the next.  Halloween is just fun.

Speaking of fun, I saw a costume idea for a flip flop.  Yes, that’s right, a flip flop.  My question is how do they sit down?

Whatever you go as this year, or whether or not you dress up at all, enjoy this time when the trees are changing their clothes into their bright fall wardrobe.   When the night is crisp and cool and you have to bundle up with a hoodie or snuggle up with a loved one.  When the smells of bonfires fill the air and marshmallows are toasted and squished out on graham crackers leaving sticky fingers for all. Fill your weekends with hay rides, weenie roasts and midnight walks through the dry fallen leaves in the woods.  Have a scare this Halloween and when you are bent over trying to catch your breath and clinching your knees together to hold in the pee, have a laugh.  Just don’t laugh too hard, you are trying to hold your pee in after all.

Boo!
M.L.