A Plumber I am not.

Last Tuesday, I think it was a Tuesday; it’s really all hazy now.  I discovered that my toilet was leaking from the tank. A steady, yet slow drip…drip…drip…drip…drip…Yay. 

I decide that I am smart enough to repair it myself.  After getting explicit instructions from a friend on how to take out the ‘Fill Valve’, which is what he deemed was the problem and what to buy to replace it, and even a diagram that he drew for me, with tiny arrows pointing to various important parts in the tank, I went to the giant box store and purchased the appropriate accoutrements to repair the toilet!!  Hazzah!

On the way home I reveled in how easy this should be.  Even the box that the replacement ‘Fill Valve’ came in told me how easy it would be.  Fifteen minute installation, No tools required!!  How simple!  I am sure you can tell where this is going, but wait for it…

When I came home my OCD kicked in and I took everything out of the box, laid it out piece by piece on a tray and placed it delicately on the bathroom floor.  Took the lid off the tank and even flushed the toilet a couple of times to watch how it worked so I could “get the feel of it”.  Took the instructions, which were not very long, after all it installed in less than fifteen minutes with no tools required, went outside, sat on the porch and smoked a cigarette while I read them twice. 

1.      First step, turn off water supply and drain tank by flushing. 

I located the water supply valve and discovered that it was rusted.  Clearly no one has needed to work on this toilet for quite some time.  I soaked it in WD40 and continued to read the instructions, even glancing at the Spanish version. (not that I speak Spanish.)  After letting it soak in I tried again, only to find that it was firmly lodged and would not budge.  My solution?  A hammer and a screwdriver, as they are my go to tools. 

After strategic placement of the screwdriver and a few taps of the hammer, a rain of rust flakes and another attempt…nothing.  Frustration was nipping at my heels.  Which was sad really, because I hadn’t even completed step 1 yet and I was already getting annoyed.  No tools required…my butt. 

Leftie Looseie, Righty tightie…right?  Well, when what you are trying to looseie or tightie is facing the opposite direction, and you are hugging a toilet that is in a corner and you can’t actually see what you are doing, AND you already have difficulty knowing your left from your right, a pickle you might find yourself in. 

I went outside to smoke.

Second attempt, grab a jar opener.  You know those rubber things that you use for pickles?  The same pickle I would come to find myself in soon enough?  I gripped the valve with all my might, leftie looseie, leftie looseie, LEFTIE LOOSEIE!  Alas, no leftie and definitely no looseie.  I slumped on the toilet exhausted and had a hand cramp. 

I went outside to smoke.

Third attempt, pray, another tap with the hammer and screwdriver and…..leftie looseie, leftie looseie, LEFTIE LOOSEIE!  Nothing.  On a lark I tried the other direction and guess what…that’s right…it turned.  Seriously?  Clearly leftie looseie was the other direction.

Now for the second part of step 1.  Flush the toilet.  That was easy.  I watched the water drain from the tank, the previous hour’s frustration quickly washing down the pipes along with the water that was draining.  I was doing it!  I was fixing my toilet!

The tank didn’t drain completely.  Well crap.  Consult the instructions, “Oh! This could happen, use a sponge or cup to remove the rest of the water in the tank.”  Easy enough.  Paper towels and a cup.  Scoop, dump, scoop, dump, scoop, dump a hundred times.  Why wasn’t this water going down any?  Actually it looked like it was rising slowly.  What?  Consult the instructions, no guidance this time.  Okay, decision time.  Do I keep scooping and dumping for the rest of my life or do I put a bucket under the tank and just proceed to step 2.  Bucket and step 2.  

2.      Second Step, remove the old 'Fill Valve'.  Disclaimer: There is a reason that the tank is supposed to be empty when you begin step two.  A very large and wet reason.  Let me now introduce you to the pickle.

I shoved a bucket behind the toilet and proceeded to unscrew the 'Fill Valve' from inside the tank.  The water, that to me only looked an inch deep, gushed out from the loosened hose.  Now, let me say this.  Granted the water looked only an inch deep…I, not being a math whiz, didn’t account for the fact that it was an inch of water across the entire bottom of the tank.  Meaning it was probably, oh, I don’t know for certain, but close to a gallon of water.  Quickly I tried to unscrew the supply hose from the 'Fill Valve', but it wouldn’t budge.  It wouldn’t turn, it wouldn’t move at all, meanwhile water continued to pour out.  Okay, you are probably thinking, “What’s the big deal?  There’s a bucket there.”  Well…you would be correct, there was a bucket there, but the bucket was only catching a third of the water because the rest of it was traveling down the outside of the hose and pouring across my bathroom floor.  Keep going I told myself, keep going.  Soon I feared I would be quoting Dori from the Nemo movie, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming."

I retrieved the other two tools I own, a pair of needle nose pliers and an adjustable wrench.  Both too small.  Water continued to ooze across my bathroom floor and pool around my knees. 

3.      Third Step.  I sat up a towel barricade and I went outside to smoke.

4.      Continuation of Third Step. Walk across the street to my neighbor’s to ask them to borrow some tools.  No one is home.  I went back in and rung out the towels and replaced them on the floor, just trying to keep the water from going on the carpet.  I used every single towel I had in my house, including the dish towels and the fancy pretty “guest” towels that no one is allowed to touch and oddly, even my guests don’t use them. 

5.      Extended continuation of Third Step.  Go to my next door neighbor to see if they are home and borrow tools.  They were not.  It felt like the world had ended and I was left with a flooded bathroom. 

6.      Final Step.  Called my brother and cried. 

7.      Three hours later my blessed brother and his wife come to the rescue.  I had soaked up and dumped out enough water to keep my lawn alive through any drought.  He strolled in, and very seriously unrolled a tool belt that contained just six tools.  I paced in the hallway and kitchen like an expectant parent as he set to work.  Ten minutes later he walked out with a wide pride-filled grin.  "It's a Toilet!", he exclaimed.  No, not really, although he was grinning when he came out, but all the said was "It's fixed." 

Moral of this story, I am not a plumber and I should leave it to the professionals, or at least someone with the right set of tools. 

Second moral of this story, I need a good set of tools.

Third moral of this story, I need a good set of tools and someone to show me how to use them; otherwise they will just get thrown across the room in a fit of frustrated rage. 

Take this piece of advice my dear Readers, do not rely on the back of a box to tell you how simple something is to fix and if it says no tools required, it’s a lie. 

M.L. 

P.S.  I tried to be a plumber once before when I installed my kitchen faucet, I should have learned my lesson then.  But alas, I am sure I will try to repair something else some day.  After all, what’s the point of owning a house if you can’t destroy it while you are trying to fix it? 

Smear and friends

Earlier this week whilst sitting in rush hour traffic, which I do, daily, I looked to my right at the car sitting next to me on the passenger side, which I do, daily.  Because frankly, I like to know if someone crazy is sitting next to me behind the wheel of a tens of thousands pound vehicle.  I want to know my options,  you know? 

Anyway, whilst glancing at my surroundings my eyes refocused to a smear on my passenger window.  About 4 inches long, 2 and a half inches wide, smear.  I shrugged, thinking perhaps someone leaned against my car and made myself a mental note to remember to get it off later.  Which I promptly forgot approximately 30 seconds later, as I have the memory of a goldfish. 

Flash forward a day or two.  I was once again sitting in rush hour traffic, which I do, daily, and once again I looked to my right at the car sitting next to me on the passenger side, which as I said before, I do, daily.  I noticed the smear and grimaced when I remembered that I had forgotten to wipe that off.  Then I noticed that it had a friend.  This one was longer and thinner.  About 6 inches and 2 inches wide and was running diagonal in the middle of the window.  “Well, well, well,” I thought, “Hello there, where did you come from?”  I made another mental note to wipe them both off and repeated it a few times coaxing my brain to retain the wiping command and then promptly forgot about it 30 seconds later. 

Skip ahead to yesterday.  I was once again sitting in rush hour traffic, which I do, daily, and I once again looked to my right at the car next to me on the passenger side (a handsome fellow in a red jeep with a bike rack on the back, ‘Hello’ to you.), which as I have said now, already two times, I do, daily.  And low and behold there was a third smear on my window.  This one ran the entire length of the window from top seal to bottom seal and was about an inch wide.  “Seriously?” I exclaimed.  “Who is using my car as a napkin?” I frowned and made a mental note to clean them off when I got home.  Which I promptly forgot 30 seconds later.

Fast forward about 3 hours yesterday evening, while I was watering the flowers outside on my patio and I looked over to my car and thought to myself, “Man, I need to wash my car.” Then it hit me, the smears!  I went inside immediately and gathered the Windex and a handful of paper towels (because clearly I have to do things when I think of them otherwise they will never get done) and proceeded to wash the smears from my passenger side window only to find that they wouldn’t come off.  Thinking whomever it was that wiped their grubby paws on my window must have been eating deep fried something, or the alternative they themselves were deep fried in something, I scrubbed harder.  Still, nothing, nada.  They smears remained.  “For the love!” I cried as a sweat rose on my brow from scrubbing the window. (My passenger side window is extremely clean now by the way.)  I opened the car door and sat down exasperated.  I stared at the window and contemplated what I could use to remove the heinous marks, and while I contemplated I decided to wash the inside of the window as well, I mean, come on, why not, I was sitting right there.  Spray-spray-spray, big wipe…smear number one disappeared.  “WHAT!”  “Are you telling me these smears are on the inside?!”  Sure enough, a few wipes later, the window was clean, inside and out and totally smear-less. 

Here is what I want to know.  Who has been in my car?  I sit in the driver’s seat.  Because as I made reference to several times before, I am stuck in rush hour traffic, daily, and trust me I am not sitting in the passenger seat when I drive.  I cannot reach the passenger side window, or door for that matter unless I unbuckle and stretch across the middle console.  No one else has been in my car for at least three weeks.  Well, that I know of.  Clearly I am mistaken.  Someone must sit in my car when I am not in it and that my friends, is a problem.  What else are they wiping and where?  And how are they getting in my car in the first place?  It is locked all the time, even when I am in it! 

Is someone hiding under my back seat like they do when they smuggle people in from other countries?  I sure hope not, but that would explain where the food goes that I have accidently dropped over the years.  I never can find the French fry or Cheerio once it bounces from my leg and onto the floor.  Have I been feeding and harboring someone who lives off of fries and cereal?  And if not…how and what are these mystery daubs? 

If so, they need to chip in on the gas, and perhaps tidy up a bit. 

If you see someone in my car and it isn’t me, let me know, and give them a napkin.

M.L.

The Good, The Bad and The Inspired

The Good:

I have officially written and self-published my very first book ever.  EVER!  I wrote a book!  A BOOK!  Can you believe it?  I can’t sometimes. 

Who would have thought that a girl from a poe-dunk little town in Tennessee would write a book, much less three of them with two more started.  I only know one other person, personally, that has ever written and published a book and his was a trivia book.  How many people do you know that have written a book.  How many have you written? 

I wrote a book.  An actual book.  B-O-O-K. 

Up until this point I haven’t sat down and been proud of myself.  I have been too worried about what people will think, what they have thought, the process (which is confusing as all get out and if it wouldn’t have been for my sister and my new friend, Tirzah I would have lit a match and said to heck with the whole process a long time ago). 

I haven’t actually stopped and taken a moment to say, “Wow!  M. you typed a book.  You dreamed, created and typed a book. Several actually.” 

I was blessed by God with some pretty cool talents.  I can, if forced, play the piano (although it would be super slow now since I haven’t in over 15 years and although I still remember F-A-C-E and E-G-B-D-F, I would have to say the rhyme each time I went to stroke a key).  I can draw and paint (although I am no Salvador Dali – whose paintings rock).  I can remember stupid trivia, like bats, when exiting a cave, almost always turn left.  I can cross all four of my fingers on both hands, and do the Vulcan sign for “Live long and prosper.”  I have the bladder of steel which comes in handy for long road trips (it’s mainly out of necessity though, as I will NOT go outside, nor do I prefer public bathrooms, but will use one in a crisis.)  And now I can add dream, create and write books to my list of awesome talents.    

That’s pretty freakin’ cool. 

The Bad:

So…I have gotten two “not so great” reviews on the book Moments. 

There is that.  

Of course, I have only gotten three reviews total, at least on Amazon.

My friends and loved ones who have read it all have made glowing remarks.  Of course, I know to take that with a grain of salt, as they are my friends and loved ones.  I know they read it through “love glasses”.  But, I am of the school that if you don’t have something nice to say, you don’t say anything at all.  So, I would say that since I have not asked anyone what they thought of it, and they just offered up their comments freely, I would like to believe that they actually liked it.  That is what I would like to believe.  I know that isn’t always the case though. 

I also am not naïve enough to believe that Moments is perfect.  (no pun intended to those who know me and what I am referring to.)  I know that it has typos, although for the life of me I cannot find them, because I typed it in Word and it has spell and grammar check.  Other than several sentence fragments, I couldn’t find anything else.  So perhaps there are different rules to writing for books then there is in the actual English language. *shrugs*  And I believe that there may be tense issues (I was informed of this in one of the “not so great” reviews).  When I started Moments I wrote the entire thing in present tense, only to be told that it should be in past tense, so I redid the entire thing in past tense.  I am certain I missed some. 

Three sets of eyes proof read Moments.  None of them editors, none of them actual professional proof readers, but all three of them is learned, educated people.  One having already proof read a couple of books for another author.  How in the world could three different people miss the tremendous amount typos that two of my totally disappointed (albeit much appreciated) readers found? 

(Case in point…the third sentence above about the proof readers being learned and educated, I typed “...all three of them ARE learned, educated people.”  Word informed me that it is supposed to be IS and that, honestly, sounds stupid to me, but I changed it because I am not a machine programmed to know perfect grammar, so I have to trust it, as well as my precious proof readers.)

When I type here, on this blog, I am just typing what comes in my head.  I barely even proof read this because this is just a stream of consciousness that I tweak so that I don’t sound completely insane, and so that it has a funny twist on it.  So please, do not pick apart my blog, like you do my books. 

I have never written anything before other than essays for school.  I am not a writer, well…I am, but not in the sense that I went to school and have a degree in something literary sounding and have a whole slew of letters after my name showing how important I am. Nor have I been published anywhere in a magazine or newspaper.  I am just a paralegal.  (Which on a side note, I use the same program to type pleadings that go before a Court of Law and Judges, and not one has ever come back with grammar issues.  One might think that if it can stand up in Court, it should be good enough somewhere else.  And I am typing in Latin sometimes! – this is all a tad bitter sounding, I know…I will get to the inspired part shortly, hang in there.) 

I have also read books that are in a series, many of them.  And most every single one, when the first book “ends” it isn’t an actual ending, it is a “Hey, you gotta get the next book to see what happens to so-in-so.”  So I am left anxiously awaiting the release of the next book.  And being named “A Moment in Time Series” shouldn’t that be enough of a heads up that there are other books to follow?  When did books in a series that end in “cliff hangers” become against the rules?  

I am also an avid reader.  I know that a reader, a writer doth not make, but I have the general idea of how books are written, and frankly I see books written in so many different styles, tenses, with/without mistakes, etc. that I don’t think there are any rules.  Example: Shortly after rewriting Moments in past tense my sister got me to read The Hunger Games, a book written totally in first person, present tense. *Gasp* THE HORROR!  A book going against all the rules!   And yet it is a top seller, already has a movie, and has sold in the boo-gillions.   

If there are no rules, then how am I breaking so many of them? 

The Inspired:

Am I going to stop writing?  Well, no.  But I may feel like giving up on a weekly basis sometimes. 

Am I going to let people’s opinions hurt me?  Well, probably, at least for a day or two. 

Am I going to be thankful to each person who reads my book, even if they give me “not so great” reviews or even perhaps a horrible review?  Definitely yes.  I appreciate everything single person who reads my books, I truly do.  I also appreciate their remarks (when they aren’t nasty) and I utterly respect their opinions. (I might not, though, for a day or two because I will be mumbling under my breath about, “They don’t know me! Why they gotta be so mean?”  I might even shed a tear.)

Am I going to use their remarks to learn and grow in this experience?  Certainly.

Am I going to be thankful for this gift and opportunity to share with people?  Of course. 

Am I going to listen to my sister’s encouragement?  I will listen, but I don’t always hear her.  I will work on that. 

Thank you all, and to all of you who just stumbled across my blog, come on in, mill about and I hope you stay a while.

M.L.

P.S.  If there are rules for writing that are different from the English language, someone, for the love of all that is Holy, please let me know!  J

Knick Knacks Patty Wacks

Hello friends -

I want to first thank each of you for a) following my blog and b) reading "Moments".  If you haven't read "Moments", I forgive you, and you still have plenty of time.

I wanted to let you all know that I am writing a second series now.  The first book being titled "Perfect" and the second titled "Flawed", and I haven't titled the third book yet.   This series is more action/thriller, with a touch, a tiny, itty-bitty touch of romance, whereas "Moments" is more all romance with a little adventure. 

I find it funny that my first book written and published was a romance, seeing that I am not a huge fan of romances.  I'll watch them, but as I said before, I would much rather survive a horror movie then be saddened by a romantic comedy.  Although a few have slipped in under the radar and I actually like them...i.e. "Fifty First Dates"  love that movie.  And of course, any movie set in Ireland automatically becomes a watcher, as I long to be in Ireland.  So, "P.S. I love you" slipped in too.

"Moments" is my baby.  My very first one, so I love it tremendously.  But "Perfect" and the books thereafter are more 'me'.  "Perfect" is more my style.  I can take the romance if you smother it with action/thriller/horror.  HA!   Makes me wonder where my head was when I wrote a romance. 

Enough about romances...lets turn our attention to "Perfect"....

A blurb:

Amelia has a good life, young, pretty, married to the love of her life, Bass (like the fish).  Everything is going according to plan, she an editor at a publishing company and him an award winning actor; that is until the shadows start moving. 

Keith, who is perfect in every way, lures Amelia into his world by taking those she loves.  First he takes Jared, Bass' best friend, and then he takes Tommy, her brother.  It is then that she realizes Keith's perfection is only skin deep, and what lies beneath is much darker than any shadow.   

Amelia finds herself thrown into a world that she never knew existed and the knowledge of a creature that shouldn't exist. 

So there you have it friends.  That is "Perfect"   I hope that you are intrigued.  Hopefully it will be available in the next month or so.  Tirzah is working on my cover now, and she is ROCKING IT, and then one last set of proof-reading eyes have to look it over and it will be ready.   

I am almost finished writing "Flawed", then when goes through proof-reading, and I will continue with the third untitled book to this series.   One of these days I promise you I will get "Hours" published (the second one to "Moments") 

I hope you guys are enjoying the summer, and taking the time to sit in the shade.
M.L.

Moments

Hey guys!

It has come to my attention that there may be typos and tense errors in Moments.  If you find them, please, please, please let me know.  I would like to correct them and reload the book.

I had three other people read Moments and apparently we missed some things.  I apologize for that, and hopefully I will be able to correct them.  But in order to do that, I need to know where they are.  That is where you guys come in.  I have read it so many times I barely see the words any more, and I would surely miss them again.

Further, I wanted to clarify somethings about Moments.  It's a romance more than it is an adventure.  Perhaps I need to change that on the book description...the 'adventure' part.  Although I thought that going through a vent and ending up in another time was kind of an adventure, but perhaps there is a better word for it?  Especially since they dont stay in the other time for very long.

Your thoughts? 

Thanks for patiently going through the publishing of my first book with me.
M.L.

Moments is up on Amazon Kindle!!

http://www.amazon.com/Moments-Matter-Time-Series-ebook/dp/B0080V27I4/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1336407674&sr=1-1


That's right folks!  Its available on Kindle now!

I hope you guys enjoy!

Thank you to all of you who supported me and encouraged me. 
A special thank you to Tirzah Goodwin at Tirzah Laughs for all her help in this process and for the cover!  It is beautiful and you are amazing!

Thank you all!
M.L.

Annoying

Have you ever noticed that you do not realize something is annoying until it stops?

Let me explain:

I didn’t realize that I was cringing to the “Jet taking off while being carried by a thousand bees wearing full armor” noise of the a/c unit outside my office window until it stopped. 

Now, in the silence that has come about, I feel like the world is brighter, I can smell flowers again, hear children’s laughter as they play in the fountains, birds singing in the bright happy sunshine.  My heart is soarin…

Well crap-freaking-tastic…

Darkness has come upon me; evil maniacal bee knights that are struggling to lift the airliner have descended once again outside my window.  

I have an eye twitch now, I didn’t notice that before.

FOR THE LOVE, someone turn off the a/c! 

and call a repair man, that noise can’t be right.

twitchingly,

M.L.

P.S. Enjoy the sunshine, even through the noise.