Walkie Talkie

While watching television a couple of weeks ago I saw a Wal-Mart commercial.  Now, I rarely laugh at commercials, they are usually loud and annoying, and I usually begin to flip channels once commercials start, but there are a few that I enjoy, one is the Volkswagen commercial with the young Darth Vader…love that one….and now this new one by Wal-Mart.  

The commercial starts by showing a conveyor belt in the Wal-Mart checkout line with flu medicine, Kleenex, Clorox wipes and the last item is a digital voice recorder slowly making their way to the end of the line.  The next scene is a woman standing at a kitchen counter when her husband wobbles slowly into the kitchen and mentions something about feeling better.  She comments about how that is good because he is like a baby when he is sick, he denies, the pet parrot chimes in, he denies again and she plops down the digital voice recorder on the counter where she has recorded him whining like a child.  I laugh every time I see that.   I was also inspired to purchase a digital voice recorder.  Way to go Wal-Mart commercial!

With all of that said, now let’s get down to the real reason I am writing this…apparently I cannot walk, talk and record myself at the same time, or in a sad turn of events, I apparently cannot walk and talk at the same time, but now I have recorded it.  

I have always known that I am of the non-graceful persuasion.  Poles, door frames, carpet, all of them work together in an evil coup to trip me, smack me, and embarrass me.  Evil inanimate objects.  But in my mind when the carpet crinkles up to catch my shoe I believe that I am as graceful as Anna Pavlova (famous ballerina) or as stylish as J-Lo in my recovery.  I may not be graceful in the beginning, but I am graceful in the end.  I have believed that for many, many, many years, because up until the purchase of the digital voice recorder, no one told me otherwise. 

Clearly I am not. It is a very good thing that this digital voice recorder is not a video recorder otherwise someone would be on YouTube by now. 

Sitting and recording myself is odd.  I have transcribed dictation for years in my profession, but never of my own voice.  I have discovered that I sound like an intoxicated Smurf.  I am just going to continue to fool myself that a setting is wrong and I haven’t figured it out yet. 

Walking and recording myself is, however, tragic.  Thus far since the purchase of my new little contraption I have recorded myself a total of three times.  The first time was when I gleaned it from its container and ‘practiced’ while I was sitting down at my dining room table.  The second time I was driving on my way home from work and was inspired to take notes for a pending book and recorded my musings.  Luckily this abnormality doesn’t extend into driving, talking and recording or this would have a much sadder turn of events.  This last time I was at home doing laundry when the inspiration hit me and I rushed inside to gather my recorder. 

Having the memory of a goldfish, I believe, aided in the series of unfortunate events that followed.  As a mere two days earlier I had used the recorder but in that 48 hour period I had subsequently forgotten how to work the machine.  As I walked back to the laundry room flipping and turning the recorder in my hand, pressing buttons, I was not watching where I was walking, and I did not know that I was actually recording already and my adventure had been captured. 

I believed that my quest to retrieve the recorder and return to the laundry room was uneventful.  Perhaps with a few minor slip ups but nothing to ‘write home about’ due to my Fred Astaire recoveries.  Upon play back I discovered I was sorely mistaken.

After turning the recorder on, and not knowing it, I proceeded to push buttons, commented about my memory or lack thereof, and tripped over a shoe…now let me say this, I don’t know where that shoe came from, granted it was my shoe but I do not remember putting it there…I caught myself on the back of the couch, dropped the recorder (which I have no memory of), said a few “peas and carrots” comments, continued into the kitchen wherein I proceeded to slip due to the non-slip slippery socks and the fact that I live in the Tiltin’ Hilton, caught myself once again, this time on the kitchen counter, Eepped! loudly, dropped the recorder once again sending it skidding across the kitchen floor under the baker’s rack, dug it out, blew it off and commented once I saw the light was on and it had ‘started’ to record, took an approximate five steps, opened the laundry room door and tripped over the threshold.  I took my seat on my tiny laundry stool and gingerly laid the recorder on top of the dryer and began removing the laundry and folding it while chirping on and on about my ideas. 

I have not laughed as hard and been horrified and embarrassed at the same time as I did when I pushed “Play”. 

Luckily for me there is a delete button. 

Morals of this story are…a) I am not as graceful as I thought I was. b) Clearly I have a selective memory. c) Some things should never be recorded. d) If I sat up video cameras in my home I would be a millionaire.  e) Purchasing a digital voice recorder is not only a handy way to take notes, but instant entertainment. 

M.L.

Hello?

I have decided that if I were in a horror movie (a real life one of course because otherwise it would be scripted) that I would either die first or be one of the last ones to die, if not survive the entire ordeal completely. 

I was watching a horror movie last night on SyFy.  Part of the 31 Days of Halloween, which I absolutely LOVE, and during the movie, the main female character was home alone doing something when she heard a door creak open.  She proceeded to stand up and as she walked toward the sound she called out “Hello?”

Who says that?  Well, clearly people do, but why?  Why would you a) announce to an intruder your location or b) assume that the intruder would answer you? 

Granted, I am the first person to go investigate a noise, hence my assumption that I might be the first to die in a horror movie.  But if I hear a noise, I freeze and listen to see if I hear it again or if it has a follow up noise, say…footsteps.  I do NOT give away my location.  Then as stealthily as possible I make my way the most indirect route possible to the said noise, picking up a weapon of some sort along the way (the dark makes even a yardstick look menacing), which may lend to my being one of the last to die if not survive all together.  Although if it is an intruder and I have a mere yardstick I am possibly going to die anyway, unless they are weaponless then I can fah-wap them into submission with it. 

My first thought, after hearing a door open or close, is that someone is in my house, someone that I did not invite.  Because, I don’t know about you, but people, including my friends and family, do not just come in my house unannounced.  First of all they could not get into my house because my doors are locked at all times, and secondly why would they just walk in, I could be in the bathroom or changing clothes or somehow indisposed.   That’s a risk I wouldn’t want to take if I were a person walking into someone else’s house unannounced…eww.   So door opening/closing, definite intruder…at least in the world of M.L.

Now, let’s think outside the box, let’s think less intruder and more paranormal…which of course was the premise of this movie.  A supernatural being, be it a ghost, specter, evil entity, vampire, werewolf, whatever you’d like, will already know exactly where you are.  Saying hello or even keeping quiet is not going to keep you from your pending doom.  The best bet there is to remove yourself from the premises as quickly as possible.  Which would cause me, once again, to be one of the first to die in a horror movie because a) I would go see what the noise was, quiet or not and b) all my doors are locked, as mentioned above, and I would have a harder time leaving the premises.  But I say this, calling out “Hello” will rarely get you a response by a supernatural being.

An actual physical supernatural being may have more difficulty getting to you, so you have a better chance at escape, albeit a slight one.  But a ghost, specter, etc. will more than likely be able to move through walls and no matter what path you take you are screwed.  Of course there are the standard deflections, spells, water, salt, you can try all of these things, but you are more likely to draw ants then propel ghosts by keeping a ring of salt around your house.  

  

Everyone knows the noises around their house; it only takes a few days to become accustom to what is “normal”.  Someone coming home from work will use a key to open the door and open the door quickly; there will be shuffling and the laying down of items on a counter or table, with the usual follow up of “I’m Home!” or “Anybody here?” or even “Hello?”.  People do not come home quietly.

There is not a slow door creaking open followed by silence then measured tiptoed footsteps across the floor with pauses every third step.  If there is, then you, my friend, live with some creepy people.

Of course if it is just someone coming home, in such a sinister fashion, I would scare the total crap out of them with my bob and weave maneuver and my handy dandy weapon of choice.  But then they would deserve it for coming in so creepily. 

So I ask…would you say “Hello?” if you heard a noise in your house?

M.L.