Guidelines

Page 4

The Nokes Household Handbook

As a resident of the Nokes Household you will find that we may have unexpected and sometimes unwanted guests in our abode.  These wayward travelers who find their way into the premises will be addressed according to the Guidelines set forth below.  Please present a list of these Guidelines to each guest either written and/or verbally upon their arrival, or detection. 

As a private residence we have the sole right to evict and/or terminate any guest’s stay or life at our own discretion.  We fully understand that as a guest you may not have been aware of your surroundings until you found yourself inside the premises and that will be taken under consideration at the time of your arrival or detection. 

The terms of these conditions are as follows:

I)                   Crickets/ Order: Orthoptera

As a beloved member of the night time community, and a good luck charm for most Asian societies, your stay at the Nokes Household is a welcomed one under the following conditions:

1)      That you remain quiet.   If you are found to be noisy between the hours of 10:00 p.m. through 7:00 a.m. you will be evicted. 

2)      If during your eviction you become spastic and/or uncooperative you will be terminated.

II)                Rollie Pollies, a.k.a Pill Bug / Order: Isopoda

As a member of the crustacean family, and a presumed descendent from the Ovdovican and/or Silurain period, your stay is not necessarily unwelcome, but if detected your eviction and/or incarceration may be determined upon the following conditions:

1)      If you are detected within a ‘one room’ distance from an exit you will be evicted.

2)      If you are detected outside a ‘one room’ distance from an exit you risk the following:

a)      Incarceration, until such time you are turned over to the State, in care of the Department of Waste Management.  The Department has the sole decision on your parole or termination.

b)      Eviction by the Department of Waste Management, Water and Sewage Division.  This may or may not lead to your termination; it is unknown at this time the outcome of said eviction.

III)             Ants/ Order: Hymenoptera

As a respected member of the insect society and your ability to work as a unit and build a working community your stay is not necessarily unwelcome under the following conditions:

1)      You come alone.  If you bring any other members of your society with you, you will all be terminated.

IV)             Moths / Order: Lepidoptera  (and any relatives such as Butterflies)

You are beautiful and welcome, but your stay may not be a wise one as you open yourselves up to the following:

1)      Eviction, due to annoying any household member;

2)      Eviction due to landing on and/or crawling into any body part of said household members;

3)      Detection by any quadrupedal member of the household may lead to your termination.

V)                Fly / Order: Diptera

You are unwelcome.  Your stay is not permitted under any circumstances.  If you choose to disobey these Guidelines you risk termination as follows:

1)      Termination by any means necessary, i.e. newspaper, shoe, book, swatter, etc.

2)      Termination by aforementioned quadrupedal members of the household.

VI)             Gnat / Order: Diptera, Suborder: Nematocera

You are unwelcome.  Your stay is not permitted under any circumstances.  If you choose to disobey these Guidelines you will be terminated.

VII)          Spider / Order: Araneae

As a member of the insect society that preys on other insects, you are welcome under the following conditions:

1)      You are not poisonous; if you are found to be poisonous you will be terminated and traps will be set out to thwart any future family members from trying to come into the premises.

2)      You are the size of a nickel and/or smaller. 

a)      If you meet the above requirement in condition 2, you must meet condition 1 as well, and not be spastic and/or sneaky.  If you are found not to meet either of these conditions you will be terminated. 

b)      You are not allowed to traverse the premises via the ceiling.  If you are found to not meet condition 1, 2 or subsection b you will be terminated.

3)      You are attractive.  If you are found to be creepy in any way you will be terminated.

VIII)       Popping Beetles / Order: Unknown

You are unwelcome due to your strangeness and annoying popping sound.  You will be terminated.

IX)             Granddaddy Long-Legs a.k.a Harvester / Family: Pholcidae, Suborder: Araneomorphae

Since several members of this household have once occupied a farm and/or rural premises, you are respected and welcomed.  Unfortunately due to your delicate nature you will be quietly and carefully evicted from the premises.     

Guests that warrant instant termination:

There is no eviction, Guidelines will not be discussed or disclosed, and any household member may and will terminate you on site. 

Fleas / Order: Siphonaptera

Roaches / Order: Dictyoptera

Bed bugs a.k.a Cimicidae / Order: Hemiptera

Slugs a.k.a Gastropod Mollusc / Order: Pulmonata and all sub orders

The appearance and/or detection of any of the aforementioned will result in an extensive and massive termination of all guests, including welcome guests, of more than four legs.

If you are a welcomed guest and see one of these intruders please alert your nearest spider and/or household member to save you from your own termination.

Said household members hold the specific right to determine a guest’s stay and may evict and/or terminate without questions asked.  If you feel you have been wrongly adjudged, please see your local insect community leader and file a formal complaint.  Each complaint will be considered and dealt with accordingly.  Of course if you are terminated your next of kin may also file a formal complaint. 

If you understand these conditions set forth by this set of Guidelines please sign, nibble and/or somehow leave your mark below and enjoy your stay at the Nokes Household. 

M.L.