I would like to say that since the holiday season started, back with Halloween that I have been rushed and pulled in so many directions that I haven’t been able to blog. I’d like to say that, and it is partly true, but mostly, I just am in a lull, a funk if you will.
I think of things all the time to write, funny anecdotes, silly musings, and sometimes even consider putting snippets of my books on here for you guys to peruse. (although I haven’t figured out if that is entirely safe, the whole thievery worry and all) But alas, I fail. Miserably I might add.
I could use the excuse that I have personal issues going on, family illness, work, etc., but we all have that. That’s not really an excuse, it is just life. And for me to go on and on about my personal issues, I think, would sound selfish, as though I am the only person who has them, when I know that everyone on the planet has horrible tragic things, hard frustrating things, annoying worrisome things. Just in the past month I have come to know two children who have cancer. CHILDREN! I could not imagine the Hell the parents and families of these two children are going through. It makes the worries and problems in my life seem minuscule in comparison, even though to me they may be mountains someone else’s mountains are way higher than mine.
Most days, wait, let me rephrase that…most hours I can focus and not become overwhelmed by my worries, the holidays seem to bring them out more I think for everyone, and since learning about these poor children, during those dim hours I can realize that I am not alone in my dim light, there are people who are going through darkness and the black much greater than I have ever known and I am thankful, which sounds callus but let me finish before you pick up the stones…I am thankful that I have what I have, who I have and that I am able to pray and help the people who are traveling that dark road ahead of me. I may not be able to cure their illnesses, but I can pray to God who can and for their strength while they carry this burden, and I can love them and offer them help when they need it. Which is all any of us can do really. Love.
I am a worrier by nature. As I said in previous blogs my Mom tells me I used to worry about the birds during storms when I was a child. And that worry has only grown and gotten intensified by my new found OCD. Well, it’s not really new; I have had it for 9 years now. Lucky!
I have my quirks, which come in handy sometimes for me; I always know where things are! I can walk into my closet right now in the dark and pull out any pair of shoes that you request without ever looking, because each of them is in a specific spot. I can give you directions to the scissors, paperclips, can opener, fingernail clippers, and every item in my house without ever uttering the words “Um…let me think.” My sock drawer is amazing!
And since I worry about everything I usually have things that someone might need that most wouldn’t think to carry around with them. Static guard, band-aids, floss, spare underwear (although I don’t share those). It’s, however, not so great to those who love me. Always triple checking the door, my wallet, etc. I can see where that is frustrating…it frustrates me when I leave for work in the morning, lock the door, get in my car, drive 3 miles down the road and panic as to whether or not I locked the door. Now I know deep down inside, I KNOW, I locked the door, but my craptastic memory doesn’t allow me to remember/picture actually doing it and that sets off my OCD which throws me into anxiety, so you guessed it, I turn around and drive back home only to find that of course, the door is in fact locked. Talk about frustrating.
This worrying has a dark side, much worse than frustrating and annoying myself and those who love me. I believe that it may also be contributing to my early death. Sounds funny, I know, but it’s really not, because sadly I worry…no pun intended…that it is true. Worrying that I worry too much. Worrying that my worrying is killing me. I lay awake at night worrying about that. Now I do believe that might be a new definition of insanity.
Simple solution right…stop worrying. HA! I wish it were that simple. I talked to my pastor years ago and asked him “How do I stop worrying?” His answer, “Turn it over to God.” Well, of course! I knew that, doesn’t everyone? But does anyone stop worrying? It is not that I do not believe or trust that God is in control, it is that I worry that His plan (albeit true, right, correct, perfect plan) is different than the one I want. I wish that I had the strength in the knowledge to trust that I would not break if my plans didn’t come to pass. There has been breakage in the past and that worries me.
Of course, that is only about the big things, the major life changing things, not whether or not I remember to bring something in for someone that I promised I would. I worry about that too. If I promise you I will do, bring, say, go, be, pick up something I have to write myself a note (or use my handy dandy digital recorder now) so that I will NOT forget to do, bring, say, go, be, or pick up whatever it is you asked of me. And then I will proceed to worry over that note, “Don’t lose the note, don’t lose the note!” so I will either staple it to my shirt, or if it is a sticky note, stick it to something directly in my line of site. (There is a collection of notes on my kitchen counter actually…God forbid a strong wind come through and move them, my world would come crashing down.) Or “Don’t forget that I recorded a message to myself”, so to help with that, I will leave myself another message on my answering machine telling myself to listen to my message I left myself on the digital recorder. Oh dear Lord, typing that out just made me realize that I am truly freakin crazy. God help my family and friends.
So with all of that said and a little more insight to the strange, clearly crazy mind of M.L., I am left with large gaps in my blogging. I promise to try to get better. I appreciate each and every one of you who read my blog and perhaps even chuckle at something quirky I wrote (perhaps not so many chuckles in this post as the past ones).
And I ask that you pray for these two children, their names are Arbor (who is 9 and has leukemia) and Nathan (who is 12 and has a brain tumor…and has had them since he was 6 yrs old and is blind from it) and pray for their families. And remember that we need to love each other, lift each other and try, in all the madness of the world, the darkness and pain, that we are not alone, never alone, and that there is beauty all around us.
Even the stars in the darkest loneliest night are beautiful.
Merry Christmas friends,
M.L.
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